not happy

I hate drugs. I don't want to have to take them. They rarely do what they are supposed to do without doing 10 other things they shouldn't. Well the last couple of weeks have been pretty tough. Most of you know that I've had health problems and chronic pain for many years. Recently things got a little worse and it became difficult to even hold my head up without assistance in some way. So in order to get through class and to actually be able to pay attention and study, I started taking Vicodin. An amazing thing happened. I felt pretty good. Better than that even, I felt normal. I could sit without agonizing pain. I could concentrate on the lectures and I actually was able to think through the pain and participate in the class discussions. These are good things....right?

Well today I went to the doctor to get a refill on the prescription. I assumed this wouldn't be a problem. It's the only pain killer that I've ever taken that has helped my back pain in the last 9 years. Yet the doctor wouldn't budge. He said he couldn't give it to me for chronic pain because he didn't know what was wrong with me. We'll doctors have been trying to find out what's wrong with me for 9 years and no one has been able to figure it out. So does that disqualify me from being able to live a normal life. I am obviously not addicted to vicodin. The bottle I've been using recently is from 5 months ago and I still have a half used bottle from 5 years ago. I simply take it when I absolutely need it.

So instead I get prescribed two the few pain killer I haven't tried yet. Both have all sorts of bad side effects. Yet these are deemed safe to take. I'm so upset. Yet what choice do I have? I've got to try them the only other options are to either curl up and never leave bed until they make me when they kick me out of the Sem or to walk around as I am until I collapse or push my body to the point until I perminantly hurt myself. If this happens I am buying a cain, quiting the sem, and going into medicine so that I can take care of myself and take out my anger on everyone else with witty sarcasm.

I'm just glad the new Ray Lamontagne album came out. It's calmed me down enough where I can think straight again.