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one week....

Well, It's one week away. Next Monday I leave for vicarage. It is hard to believe that I have only one more week here with Marcy. It is sometimes hard to just have fun with her because we both know our time is short. There is a tendency to focus on the sadness of the looming separation. Knowing what is coming though, I think we are doing an excellent job at enjoying the time we have left.

It is kinda funny. I have spent the last couple years wishing I was some place other than St. Louis. Now for the first time, St. Louis feels like home. When I dropped Marcy off last night, I came back to my dorm and it felt so empty without her. It is going to be very difficult to leave her behind.

I am trying to look forward though. I'm not doing a very good job, but I am trying. It helps that I have been talking to the people at the church where I'll be serving. I have to act excited when I talk to them. I also know that I would be excited if the situation were different. I know I'll learn a lot. I know I'll grow a lot. I know that I will become a better man for it. I just have to look forward to that, and look forward to returning to my love.

Call me Natalie Imbruglia

For all those in town, I'll be back on Sunday night. I'll be home for about a week.

With that said....I'm torn. It feels like the jaws of life just opened my chest and I'm just waiting for someone to rescue my heart from this car wreck of a life I've got. Why can't anything be easy? Why is there always a struggle? When does the hurting stop? Someone once said that if something is not hard to attain that it isn't worth having. Maybe he was right, but I wish the things worth having, in my life, came at a slightly lower cost.

The above metaphor isn't perfect. I know where I want to be and I know where I feel I have to be. In a little over three weeks I'll be moving to Florida. I thought this would be a struggle when I first was assigned the position. Now....It seems impossible. I've wanted so much to be here, to being a vicar and getting a real taste of what it is like to be a pastor. Now I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can leave the girl I love.

This really hit me tonight as I realized how quickly we are running out of opportunities to see each other before Sunday. It made the reality of Florida much more real. Marcy is perfect, perfect for me in every way. She is the sunshine in my life and gives me the greatest of joy. She is even going to wait for me when I'm away on vicarage. This is great, real great. I've finally found her. I just don't know how I can live without her now.

I think this is going to be one of the most difficult years of my life. I fear I might be so sad that my vicarage would be pointless. I fear I might not even make it there, that I might drive half way to Florida and turn around. I fear I might not be cut out to be a pastor after all. I fear I might be good at it. I fear I might loose her. I struggle. I'm torn.

I trust in God's purpose and his timing in all of this. Everything will probably work out fine. I just struggle with my capabilities. I struggle with decisions I feel I have to make and decisions that I want to make. I just struggle with a loneliness that threatens to reclaim and a purpose that threatens to elude.